A Truly New New?

Colorado Springs, CO, Saturday, May 19, 2012

         “Tim was the rock that I needed then, and now I’m like a ball rolling down the hill, rolling further away from him.”  How did that analogy enter her mind? Driving home from Glendale Racquet Club, Jasmine reflects on her remarkable conversation at Glendale’s sports bar, the Alley, where she and her friends had lunch after their tennis match.  Gabbie asked why Jasmine had married Tim, and Jasmine marvels that out of her mouth came a reply so quick and intuitive.

            How will this inconvenient truth complicate their attempts to follow through on that three word phrase everyone is calling of them: to “save their marriage”?  How might their marriage counselor respond?  He’s been encouraging them to seek ways to recreate themselves into something new and fresh, not a new version of their old selves, but “a truly new new” couple.  Jasmine smiles, repeating that lovely phrase to herself, “a truly new new.”  He’s the right counselor for her.  But what about for Tim?  Is this counselor the right one for him too, and does he also want “a truly new new”?  She lit up when their counselor used that phrase.  Then she looked over at Tim, stoic.

            A red light.  Thank goodness.  A pause for Jasmine’s mind.  Her thoughts are traveling too fast and to places too unwelcome.  To recreate themselves as a couple, it seems to her only two options exist: either Jasmine the ball climbs back up that hill to Tim the rock, or Tim the rock magically becomes a ball and starts rolling down the hill too.  Even a compromise half-way point means she’d still have to roll herself backwards, uphill.  She has no desire to stop the roll; it’s her natural, authentic expression.  And a transformed Tim makes more sense for them to become “truly new new.” 

But rock to ball isn’t in Tim’s character.  A ball is not his authentic expression.  Actually, he makes a really great rock.  That authentically outstanding rock is what attracted her to him.  Is there a third option?  Could he remain the rock and she the ball, rolling ever further away, and can they still save their marriage?  Perhaps he could become ever more excited about her, this new, adventurous ball.  He doesn’t seem to be, though, for which Jasmine is oddly grateful.  And even if he were, could she still be enticed by the rock?  When she’s traveling further away from it?

            Green light.  Time to store away that question for their marriage counselor.  Breathe, Jasmine, breathe out your anxiety.  She tries to command herself to quit troubling over that seemingly that impossible quandary, but she can’t.  Nor can her mind refuse another inevitable question.  Even if Tim feels the same way she does, if the rock and the ball no longer fit together as mutually supportive partners, how will their families, their friends, and their church community, from which she has been thankfully ousted, ever understand this? 

Jasmine lets out a deep sigh.  Jasmine isn’t yet ready to affirm to herself that she’s more worried over her community’s response to what the answer might be than to the answer itself.  Still, she asserts to herself that no blame should come upon either ball or rock for a distance that is increasing and has come upon them naturally.  And this distance is coming mostly from the traveling inexplicably initiated from within her, which is growing her, from a force seemingly divine.   

The church, of course, won’t see it this way.  They especially won’t accept that sense of hers when the elders know Jasmine accepted a passionate kiss from their youth pastor.  No, if Jasmine and Tim cannot “save their marriage,” their community will not understand, something Jasmine may need to come to terms with.

Another red light.  Saved again.  Jasmine chuckles.  She usually hates red lights.  But her conversation with her tennis friends has even more enticing nuggets, ones that aren’t so narcissistic and that are relevant for any woman, and man too.  The most relevant one for all men and women -- Eve representing an inner life force -- as Gabbie suggested, is still a little too far-out for Jasmine’s evangelical conditioning.  Perhaps in a decade, Jasmine, like her author, will be mulling over that one, but she isn’t there yet.  Her mind still operates under her evangelical training.

Yet that same training is what is opening her eyes, that training that taught her how to read the Bible, to take it seriously, to read it literally, and to examine every word.  For the essential words, she was even shown how to use Strong’s Concordance of the Bible to investigate the word in its original language and its the meanings and associations from its original language and context.

How could the very evangelical training that taught her how to read the Bible present an entirely different perspective on the Adam and Eve story than the interpretation of the story from that same tradition?  How have the evangelical leaders missed the meaning of the Hebrew word ezer, translated better as “life-saver” than “helper” for the creation of woman for the man? 

And how have they not puzzled over the character in the story, Elohim, translated as “God,” as an especially troubling, sinister character?  One who forbids something good – knowledge?   Who then severely punishes his creations for disobeying him before they had even attained the knowledge of obedience?  The text presents Elohim/God telling his creations, “Do not learn what good and evil is.”  Then when they did learn, Elohim/God said, “Now that you have learned what I ordered you not to learn, I will severely punish you.”

Naturally, most evangelical leaders would scoff at Jasmine for such an absurdly literalist reading of the Bible.  But that is what they had taught her to do.  From Jasmine’s point of view, they can’t have it both ways.  Either they interpret the Bible the way they teach, or they permit alternative ways to read the Bible, but not both.

Then there are the questions about Eve that Jasmine is most eager to ask of the church leaders: how have they missed the second two curses to Eve?  Why do they pretend those curses don’t exist?  Are the curses too inconvenient for them?

Perhaps they are, but, if so, Jasmine finds it amusing that the church should have a solution: Jesus.  According to the church, with Jesus, we are to overcome our curses, right?   With Jesus, men should no longer be ruling over women, right?  And shouldn’t Jesus be the evangelical answer to the second curse to Eve?  Should not the woman, in place of longing for her earthly man, be longing for her Heavenly Man of Christ?  Could that be why that middle phrase to Eve from Elohim/God, “your longing will be for your man,” is a curse at all?  Is the woman longing for an earthly substitute of a heavenly force?

            Not that Jasmine has learned any of this for herself, of course.  She still longs for an earthly man, and the one she longs for, inconveniently, is not her husband.  Perhaps her own curse, then, is even worse than the one suggested by the story, that she overly long for her husband.  But according to the teachings of her church, isn’t Jesus supposed to be the “answer” to her “curse”?  If she can “seek first the kingdom of God,” through her heavenly man of Christ, would she then be set free from this “curse”?

Divine synchronicity appears on the road sign ahead.  It’s one Jasmine has seen almost every day for years and has rarely paid attention to, but now it stands before her at a remarkable moment for her thought process.  “FOCUS on the FAMILY” reads the top of the billboard in great big teal lettering, with the first and the last words in all caps.  The C of “FOCUS” is wedded like a ring to its partner, the O.  At the bottom of the sign are two words, “Next right,” in smaller, but nevertheless visible lettering.  Between the heading and the directions is that very familiar smiling face, looking scholarly and authoritative in his grey-rimmed glasses and barely thinning and greying hair: Dr. James Dobson, President of this powerful organization, headquartered in Jasmine’s own town of Colorado Springs.

How might he reply to her question?  Jasmine pulls into her driveway.  Her smile takes on a mischievous curve.  Once inside, she wastes no time to visit the Focus website and book a tour for Monday afternoon.  Then she handwrites her question to give to the tour guide to pass along to the infamous doctor:

“Dear Dr. Dobson, I’ve been studying the story of Adam and Eve, and I’ve been curious about two phrases I had never known were given to Eve as part of her curse, and I’d like to know your take on them.

What do you think is meant by the curse from God to Eve: ‘your longing shall be for your man’ in Genesis 3:16?  What about the next phrase?  What do you think is meant by ‘and he will rule over you’?”

Beneath her question, Jasmine provides her name, email address, and phone number.  She takes a deep breath.

* * * * *

Postscript: while drafting the never finished non-fiction book, The Feminine Mystery, from 2008-10, I emailed Dr. Dobson the question above on these two rarely acknowledged phrases given to Eve.  A few days later, one of his staff members replied.  For the actual reply of Focus on the Family to the above question, return for the next installment of this story next month on this blog.  See you then, Karina

© 2021 by karina.  All rights reserved.  Please use only with permission and/or a link to this blog post

Continue to Eve's Test

The Inner Feminine: Life-giver, Life-saver, Life Force?

 Glendale Racquet Club, Colorado Springs, CO, Saturday, May 19, 2012

             “Where’s Davie been, Jasmine?”  Gabbie is stretching her left leg at the front of Court 1.  ”BD says he’s taking a break,’ but it’s been over three months.  He’s still going to Men’s Night.  Why’s he not coming to Mixed Doubles Night?”  

Jasmine bends forward and touches the floor between her straightened legs, wondering how she might reply.  The four friends have Court 1 reserved most Saturdays for their own doubles game.   On Thursday evenings, Glendale reserves half of its courts for Mixed Doubles Night, where Jasmine has been Davie’s standard partner.  For men’s doubles, he partners with BD.  

“BD said I should ask you,” Gabbie continues.  “Do you know what’s up with him?”

             Mindy shoots her partner a worried look.  Jasmine pulls herself up and slightly squeezes her left cheek and lip as she looks back at Mindy.  The truth can be concealed no longer.  She stands up, cups her chin with her thumb and two fingers, and turns to Gabbie.  “We kissed.  The church is mad.  They don’t want us to see each other.”

             “You kissed?” Kristin’s mouth widens. 

            “You?  And Davie?” Gabbie picks up a ball, bounces it, and shakes her head.  “And the church?” 

            “--is freaked out.  He’s the youth pastor.  He’s not supposed to do stuff like that.”

             “So they’re punishing him by taking away the sport that keeps him sane from them?”

             “They don’t see it that way,” Jasmine sighs.

             Mindy taps Gabbie on the shoulder.  “They’re punishing Jasmine even more.  They’ve kicked her out of church.” 

            Gabbie turns to face Mindy and scrunches her eyes.  For real?  Mindy nods. Gabbie shifts to stretch her right leg and turns to Jasmine.  “How do you feel about that?” 

            “I was steaming mad,” Jasmine replies, adding that she was judged without a hearing, then sent off.  “What Bible do they read?”  She shakes her head, perplexed.  In a voice so quiet her friends can barely hear it, Jasmine mumbles her own answer.  “Not the one I read.”  But now, she is resolved.  She lifts her head up.  “The real punishment is not seeing my partner, my friend, and--” Jasmine sighs, “--the one I can’t quit thinking about.” 

            Kristin quietly pulls out a can of balls, bounces one, then bounces it to Jasmine with a smile.  “Let’s play.” 

            Since their opening conversation distracted Jasmine, Gabbie and Kristin take decisive wins.  As the friends walk into The Alley, Glendale’s sports bar, for lunch, they see four large screen TVs showing Tiger Woods making a putt on The Alley’s ESPN station.  “We’ve got to hear about that kiss,” Gabbie teases, while pulling out her seat to sit down.  “Order a real drink on me.”  She smiles and winks at Jasmine.  “But get your own lunch.” 

            Jasmine points to the daiquiri special on the table’s triangular drink menu.  “Daiquiris for us all!” Kristin lifts her right hand with cupped fingers, like she’s already holding the drink, and raises it to a toast.  “Is this your first?” Jasmine usually orders pop, while the others order beer or wine or something more fun.   Jasmine smiles.  “No, not quite.”  

Leaning over the table so she can whisper, Jasmine tells her friends about the kiss, its magic, her nightly recollections of it, and confides her longing for love-making with Davie. 

            “So you do fantasize sex with him?” Mindy teases.  Jasmine blushes.  Time to shift the topic.  “I’m trying to scheme a way to reconnect with him.  I can’t go to Men’s Night. I’ve been blackballed from church.  Where else can I find him?” 

            “You can’t just text him?” Kristin asks. 

“What would I text?”   

            As hard as it’s been to have been cast out of church and to go three months without seeing Davie, Jasmine shares she’s been learning more than ever before: about herself, Tim, her marriage, why it worked when they got married and why it’s not working now, and also about women and what the church says the Bible says about them that the Bible doesn’t say. 

            Gabbie and Kristin stare at their friend.  “That’s a lot.”  Gabbie takes a long sip of her daiquiri. “Why did your marriage work when you got married, but doesn’t now?”           

            “Tim was the rock I needed then, and now I’m more like a ball rolling down the hill, rolling further away from that rock.” 

            “I get that, Jazzie.” Kristin smiles.  “But I’m curious.  What have you learned the church says the Bible says about women that the Bible doesn’t say?”  Kristin had been raised in a conservative, Christian home, and in middle school, she refused to keep homeschooling.  Then in high school, she rebelled against the church altogether, a choice she and her parents still argue over. 

Jasmine moves forward in her seat and rests her arms, crossed, on the table.  “I started at the Beginning, and I can’t even get past those first three chapters of Genesis.  The writer – or writers – of these chapters were so forward-thinking, but the church has turned the story upside down, especially when they demonize Eve, and then leave out how she was cursed, and they leave out their responsibility to repair that curse.  Right there, in that story we think we’ve all read, Eve was cursed to be ‘ruled over’ by her man.  You won’t hear pastors admit that.” 

Kristin chuckles.  Jasmine nods and says she’s just discovered something new, a tantalizing play on words the translators missed.  “You know that pesky little verse that calls the woman the man’s ‘helper’?” 

“Yeah, like we’re second-class,” Kristin groans, “here to ‘help’ the gender that really matters.” 

“I think it’s an error of translation,” Jasmine whispers.  “For centuries, the translators haven’t known what to do with the actual Hebrew word, ezer.” 

“How do you think it should be translated?” 

“Let’s start with Eve.  In Hebrew, Eve, or Havah, means ‘life-giver.’” 

“She gives birth, so she gives life,” Mindy replies. 

“It fits, right?”  Jasmine takes another sip of her daiquiri.  “And ezer means ‘life-saver.’”  Jasmine tells her friends ezer is used 21 times in the Hebrew Bible, and in every instance other than its application to the creation of woman, ezer suggests warrior-like power and strength.  It’s usually applied to God Himself as an ezer to the people of Israel or to David or to Moses.  Moses even named his second son Eliezer and gave this reason: “The God of my father was my ezer and delivered me from the sword of Pharoah.” 

“Powerful.”  Kristin is impressed with her friend. 

“In Psalms 33, 70, and 115, King David often called the Lord his ‘ezer and shield’ or ‘ezer and deliverer,’” Jasmine continues.  She pulls out her phone, opens her Bible app, and reads out of Deuteronomy 33, where God “rides the heavens to your ezer, or salvation,” and the Lord “saves” from the root ezer, like a “shield” and a “sword” with enemies “cowering,” while He “tramples their high places.” 

“That’s more than a mere ‘helper,’” Mindy says, shaking her head. 

“No doubt.  From these other uses, it seems as if ezer is more like a life-saver, and a play on words for Eve as ‘life-giver.’” 

“Wow, that changes everything.”  Kristin shakes her head in disbelief.  “Our identity as women takes on a whole new perspective."

“I don’t feel like a life-saver, though,” Mindy confesses.  “I think I’m looking for a man to be my life-saver.” 

“That’s also interesting, Mindy.”  Jasmine takes a breath.  “Eve was given three curses.  We all know the first: child-bearing.  The third is that chilling one that Eve’s man would ‘rule over’ her.  But the second one is the most interesting to me: that she will ‘long for’ or ‘desire’ her man.  Maybe what you’ve just said is part of it.  Maybe she longs for him to be a life-saver to her.” 

Gabbie’s eyes widen.  She slowly nods.  “So it works both ways?  Both men and women can long for one another to be each other’s life savers?”  Gabbie ruffles through her hair, searching her memory.  “I think I remember learning that the Hindus say that Shakti, the feminine principle, represents the life force.” 

Jasmine raises her head.  Life-force? 

“Shiva, the masculine principle,” Gabbie continues, “is said to become a corpse without Shakti, his life-force.” 

"Shiva is the masculine, active principle, the one who acts in the world," Gabbie tells her friends.  "Shakti, the feminine, represents the life force, enabling the masculine to act.  Both are within us.  Our inner masculine relies upon the life force of the feminine within each of us.  Our inner masculine, the one who acts upon the world, is the initiator, but the feminine gives the masculine the energy and the impulse to initiate."  

The merger of Shiva and Shakti, as Gabbie understands the teaching, point to something deep: "our inner feminine and our inner masculine need to harmonize themselves with each other."  The friends, silent, keep their eyes on Gabbie, who takes a drink and continues. “Unless both our inner masculine and our inner feminine are alive and well, we’re stuck.” 

“So what you’re saying,” Mindy muses, “is that Eve might also represent our inner feminine, our own life-force, and that Adam might represent our own inner masculine, our internal initiator?” 

“If so,” Kristin replies, “any blame of women for whatever people think Eve may have done, even if she did exist, must be misguided.” 

“Very true, Kristin,” Gabbie nods.  “Yes, Mindy, that is what I wonder.  Carl Jung says the same thing, using his own words of ‘anima’ and ‘animus’ for the inner feminine and inner masculine.  They need to merge within us.  We need to let our inner feminine be a life-saver to our inner masculine, so it can initiate.” 

Jasmine takes a long slow sip of her daiquiri.  Is her head spinning from the daiquiri or from what Gabbie is suggesting?  No, her mind is too riveted.  “Life-giver,” “Life-saver,” “Life Force” as the “inner feminine”?  For both men and women? 

These notions are like nothing Jasmine has been raised to believe, yet they suggest truth more genuine than anything she’s been taught.  She feels her spine tingle with electricity.

Continue to "A Truly New New"

Each Movement Miraculous

Nature moves at its own pace

gently

one hidden shift at a time

each movement invisible

We humans race

violently

one great step at a time

each movement blundering

making our next move

more violent

or not at all

Children move at their own pace

gently

one amazing stride at a time

each movement miraculous

We humans race

to train the child

to take one great step at a time

each movement blundering

and the child learns

to make the next move

more violent

or not at all

If only we humans

could move like the child again

gently

one amazing stride at a time

then we too could make

each movement miraculous

My Last Lecture

In the spirit of Prof. Randy Pausch's famous “Last Lecture,” I’ve created my own.  I’m applying for Emeritus, so I hope this post will not be my actual “last lecture.”  But it will be my last one for a while.

Enabling the Dreams of Others

       These first three tips, under Pausch's second heading, come from the lessons I have, for years, given to my writing students.  The first one usually comes up spontaneously in reply to that common question: “Can we use ‘I’?”  The second two are often shared on the first or second of class, and, sometimes, they are written into my Syllabus. 

 1.      Yes, say “I” – Your Voice Matters

       Yes, you can say “I.”  Your voice matters.  Make sure to support your "I" with strong, credible research, but when appropriate, say ”I.”  Your voice matters.

 2.      Rise into a Voice of Power to Make a Difference in this World

       Don’t just aim for the grade you want or for the ability to write well enough to get by.  Rise into a voice of power, and make a difference in this world.  You can do it too, perhaps even soon.  Voices of your own generation – Malala, Greta, Amanda – are all voices of power and making a difference.  You can be one too.

 3.      Writing is Art – Respect it that way

       Always look at your writing as art.  Even when you, the students, don't see your writing as art, I do.  So I never use the color of blood on your writing.  In pencil, I make some comments about the ways that your writing has not yet reached the art that it could, but my goal is to help you become a better artist in your writing.  Meanwhile, make sure you also respect it as art.

 Lessons Learned

        No one has had it easy this past year.  The pandemic has pummeled us all.  Pausch's third and last heading was "Lessons Learned," and these are a few of mine through the pandemic.  This first lesson that I have been learning this year, to take nothing for granted, may be the number one lesson for each one of us.  The field of Education has also been struck hard during this pandemic; and it has been a hard place to be for all of us in Education.  For those of us in vulnerable positions, there has been much to learn.  Here is some of what I have been learning . . .

 4.      Don’t take your blessings or your privileges for granted

       When Barack Obama ran for President in 2008, many blacks complained he was “not black enough.”  What they meant was he was a privileged black; perhaps he had been spared from their injustices.  He probably didn’t “get it.”  So he brought in his wife, Michelle Obama, born and raised in the ghettos of Chicago, who “got it.”  And she helped bring them around, and she persuaded them that her husband was with them.        

        Maybe Barack Obama did "get it."  Maybe it wasn't fair to call him “not black enough.”   But it would have been fair to say I had been “not NTT enough.”  That's the term for us non-tenure track faculty, a second-class status for university instructors, and my department had traditionally protected us.   I was also the main introductory writing instructor for STEM students and well respected by the faculty of two colleges at my university, so I had been largely spared from much of the treatment many of my NTT colleagues had faced.  I had heard about some of it, but I hadn't taken it seriously enough.  I had been privileged.  That changed this year, when I truly learned what it means to be a second-class faculty member.  I discovered the hard way I was “not NTT enough” and had been taking my privileges for granted.

5.      Be careful what you say, when you say, to whom you say, and how you say

        Yes, be a voice of power, but carefully plan your voice.  If you speak too soon, too much, to the wrong person, or in the wrong way, you could lose your voice of power, so carefully plan it.  In some of my classes, we saw a film clip that included a brief statement of a minor character, the wife of one of the main characters.  I said to my students, “Catch what comes next.  She has about fifteen lines in the whole movie.”  Then comes the pivotal line from this minor character, the line that shifts the film into the climax and sets the stage for the hero’s victory.  This critical line comes from a character who speaks few words, but when she speaks, people listen.

        I'm sure we can all agree that we've each been learning the hard way through this pandemic to carefully plan our words. This has been a year when it has been very challenging for me to know what to say, when to say, to whom to say, and how to say it.  My own communication skills have been tested this year like they have never before been tested in my life.  Sometimes I did well, and sometimes, I did not do so well.  Sometimes, I was missing #4: I was taking my privileges for granted.  I thought I should have them, and I thought everyone would agree with me on that.  It turns out not everyone did.  I made some mistakes.  Do your research, take your time, and be careful. 

6. Have Integrity and follow your own Path

          Be careful, yes, but be brave too.  At times, living into your integrity and following your own path will take bravery.  It might cost you a lot.  You might lose your job, you might lose some friends, but you’ll keep your heart, soul, and spirit in-tact, and nothing matters more.  So be brave, have integrity, and follow the path laid out for you.

7.      See the Famous Last Lecture

       If you haven’t yet had a chance to see Pausch's famous Last Lecture, watch it.  Be inspired.  Rise into a voice of power.  And always remember, your voice matters.

 © 2021 by Karina.  All rights reserved.  Please use with permission and/or a link to this blog post.

That's a Lot on your Plate

 Pete’s University Café, Denver, CO, May 12, 2012

             “I got scorned, Ethan.”  The two friends are waiting for their lunch at a well-worn wooden booth at the charming Pete’s University Café; it looks like a used bookstore from the outside and a 1950s bakery from the inside.  David, known by his closest friends as Davie, has driven up to Denver from his home in Colorado Springs, where he serves as a youth pastor, to meet with his mentor, Ethan, for whom he interned when Ethan was a senior pastor. 

From their prior meeting in March, Ethan, now a Hebrew professor at the University of Colorado, has already heard David’s story: the elders at his church had kicked out a young woman named Jasmine, also David’s mixed doubles partner, from church after the two, both married to other people, shared a kiss.  They had each come to the elders for accountability, but instead of providing it, the elders kicked her out of church.  Ethan fumes that David’s church leaders can’t read their Bible straight, but he’s not surprised.  It’s why he left the ministry. 

            Davie continues by flipping his hand away in imitation of one elder: “‘Let it go, David; she’ll be all right.”  And another said, “She’s better off getting a fresh start at a new church where you’re not.”  The meeting ended with the senior pastor’s authoritative command: “David, your job is to get yourself and your own marriage back on track.  Let her do the same elsewhere.”  Then he transitioned to his new campaign idea to bring new people into church. 

            Ethan shakes his head at the irony and is relieved a pause for his reply has arrived with the server who brings their lunches, a Gyros sandwich for Ethan and Pete’s Grecian Platter for Davie, which is piled high with lamb, chicken, and beef in the middle of the platter, topped with red and white onions, a generous portion of French fries on one side, and steamed broccoli, carrots, and cauliflower on the other, along with a side plate of pita bread.  “That’s a lot on your plate, David.” 

            “Loaded up, like my life.”  Davie laughs.  “How am I going to eat all of this?” 

            “One bite at a time.  And don’t eat it all now.  Carry some of it away with you.” Wasting no time, Ethan asks which entrée of life his friend might want to discuss first: his marriage with Pam, ministry, church, friendship with Jasmine, or Jasmine herself. 

            “Also a lot on my plate!” Davie chuckles.  “How about all of it?  Maybe Jasmine?  I can’t get her out of my mind, nor can I stop worrying about her.  But I also worry about my job, my ministry and my church that feels like it’s heading off course.  They want to grow, but they’re kicking people out?” 

            “Welcome to the world of church politics, David.  How about your marriage?  Are you thinking about it too?”

            “Of course.  I love Pam and don’t want to hurt her.” 

            “You’ve just hit on what really matters.” 

            “Yes, I know.”  Davie takes a sip of water, wondering how to transition into what else is bothering him.  He sets the glass back down.  It hits the tabletop with a slight bang.  He looks at it startled.  “Pam wants kids.” 

            “That ups the ante.”  

            Davie takes another sip of water, this time slowly, carefully placing his glass back down.  

          “Children have to be your top priority," Ethan continues.  "Clearly, it would have been better if you had seriously asked this question before saying, ‘I do,’ but it’s also better to do so now than once kids are in the picture.  Are you prepared to commit for the long haul?” 

            Davie confides that he is not sure and adds that he has never admitted to Pam that he regrets letting Pam pursue him back in college, when his eyes were on Jenny, a mutual friend of theirs, with whom neither is still in contact.  He clarifies that his mind no longer returns much to Jenny, but his regret clouds his commitment to Pam.  “I took the easy road to romance, and now I have a hard road.” 

“You do, because you said, ‘I do.’” 

The “if onlies” are plaguing the youth pastor.  If only he had taken the risk to date Jenny before he let Pam pursue him, or if only he could risk dating Jasmine now, then he might move from the safety of Pam to the vibrancy, then, of Jenny, and now, of Jasmine. 

“Would you say you’re drawn to Jasmine more because of your love for Jasmine, or for what might be missing with Pam?” 

That’s a question Davie’s been asking much of himself.  He acknowledges that Pam brings him comfort, security, laughs, and some fun times.  “But Jasmine is spirited, smart, digs deep into stuff that matters that most people won’t touch; she’s not pushy, demanding or dull.  No matter what the elders think, Ethan, she’s not on my mind just because I find her physically attractive – which I do – but also because I love who she is.” 

            “And the elders want you to put her out of your mind and heart?” 

            “Right, and I can’t do it.” 

            “We humans should not be repressing what’s in our hearts.  Although we need to be careful with how we respond to our feelings, our feelings themselves are not wrong.  Christians don’t get this, so they try to train anger, fear, shame, jealousy, and lust out of their hearts.  They even try to train love out of their hearts, making them physically sick, perhaps even preparing for a premature death.” 

“Wow.  Then it’s ok for me to love Jasmine?” 

            “Sure.  Suffocate your heart, and you’ll make yourself sick.  Condemn your heart, and it will turn against you.”  From his pastoral days, Ethan has learned that those who insist on their religion’s dogmas of morality will follow one of two paths, both rooted in repression.  The first route leads to indulgence and the second to sickness. 

            For an example of the first, he points to the Catholic priest pedophiles.  Condemning themselves for their sexual desires, they forced themselves into fake asceticism and repressed their sexuality so much that they didn’t stop at rape with adult women.  They went after children.  They repressed hard and fell hard. 

Meanwhile, Ethan explains, the continued repression route desensitizes you, reduces your compassion, possibly increases your tendency to judge, stunts your growth, and welcomes miseries into your body. 

 “So what should we do instead?” 

“Let yourself feel what you feel, and ask the Holy Spirit to give you strength and show you your path.  Don’t assume that what you feel for Jasmine means that you are supposed to be with her.  But don’t restrict yourself from that possibility either, especially now.”  Ethan pauses to smile at his former intern.  “Before you have kids.” 

Davie nods, sighs, and says he’s conflicted.  

Affirming that David would naturally be conflicted, Ethan shares another insight from his work in pastoral marriage counseling.  “We shouldn’t say half of all marriages ‘fail.’  Maybe half of them ‘end,’ but not all of them ‘failed.’  Some of them ‘succeeded.’”  

            In response to David’s quizzical look, Ethan tells the story of the couple who taught him this.  They led Bible studies together, grew those studies, and even trained the new leaders of their off-shoot groups, so Ethan was stunned when they came to him for marriage counseling.  They had accomplished so much, were expecting their first grandchild, and needed marriage counseling?  One of them was growing in new ways and contemplating a conversion to Catholicism, something the other partner could not imagine doing.  After months of counseling, it appeared both partners had begun different paths, both right for each of them, but not complementary together.  Eventually, they came to the sentiment that they could grow better apart, and then Ethan helped them with their next task: communicating this to their children, including to their youngest in college and their oldest, who was pregnant.  The couple divorced, but remained friends. 

“Success, of course, comes through plenty of time learning how to love and communicate, which this couple did,” Ethan continues.  “But it was helping couples like this that got me into trouble.  We know what Jesus told the selfish, proud, cold-hearted Pharisees of the first century about divorce.  But we don’t know what Jesus would tell each of us in the 21^st.” 

            “I bet people try to tell you Jesus’ words are timeless.” 

            “Even Jesus considered his teachings for the ‘Age;’ Matthew said he spoke to the people in parables and reserved his deepest teachings for his closest disciples; and he spoke sternly to one group only: the proud religious leaders.” 

            “I agree, but it does complicate our life decisions, doesn’t it?  When we’re conflicted between the many entrées on our life plate, what do we do?” 

            “The million-dollar question.  There is no easy answer.  First, allow the conflict within you. Don't deny it, but learn from it, as it may be like the pearl in an oyster that shows you something remarkable about your true self.” 

            A pearl.  Davie likes the image: the pearl emerges out of the oyster’s suffering.  Perhaps he shouldn’t feel so guilty or so much angst that he has this conflict within him. 

            “Be patient, as clarity takes time to come,” Ethan continues.  “For now, listen to your heart and let it teach you: what are you discovering about yourself through your inner conflict?” 

            “How can I figure that out?” 

“Allow the Holy Spirit to show you within your heart, and then confirm it with the signs, the synchronicities, and the forms of Nature.  I believe this is what Jesus meant when he said, ‘I only do what I see My Father in Heaven doing.’” 

            “You make it sound so easy!” 

            “Sorry, it isn’t, and it takes much patience.  If you are patient, the Spirit will confirm or deny your inner truth, or perhaps grant more patience into you with a promise your inner conflict will be revealed in its proper time.  It’s not at all easy, David.  Those who learn to clearly discern the signs the Spirit gives them usually go through a crisis first.  This could be yours.” 

            Taking a deep breath, the youth pastor agrees to try.  Then he returns to where he and Ethan started on his loaded plate of life.  “What about finding a way to see Jasmine again?” 

            “Try to do the same.  Watch the signs and the synchronicities.  Trust the Spirit to guide you, and when the time is right, a renewed connection with her will become clear to you.”

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