Whispers of Mystery

Whispers of Mystery
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Wednesday, April 28, 2021

That's a Lot on your Plate

 Pete’s University Café, Denver, CO, May 12, 2012

             “I got scorned, Ethan.”  The two friends are waiting for their lunch at a well-worn wooden booth at the charming Pete’s University Café; it looks like a used bookstore from the outside and a 1950s bakery from the inside.  David, known by his closest friends as Davie, has driven up to Denver from his home in Colorado Springs, where he serves as a youth pastor, to meet with his mentor, Ethan, for whom he interned when Ethan was a senior pastor. 

From their prior meeting in March, Ethan, now a Hebrew professor at the University of Colorado, has already heard David’s story: the elders at his church had kicked out a young woman named Jasmine, also David’s mixed doubles partner, from church after the two, both married to other people, shared a kiss.  They had each come to the elders for accountability, but instead of providing it, the elders kicked her out of church.  Ethan fumes that David’s church leaders can’t read their Bible straight, but he’s not surprised.  It’s why he left the ministry. 

            Davie continues by flipping his hand away in imitation of one elder: “‘Let it go, David; she’ll be all right.”  And another said, “She’s better off getting a fresh start at a new church where you’re not.”  The meeting ended with the senior pastor’s authoritative command: “David, your job is to get yourself and your own marriage back on track.  Let her do the same elsewhere.”  Then he transitioned to his new campaign idea to bring new people into church. 

            Ethan shakes his head at the irony and is relieved a pause for his reply has arrived with the server who brings their lunches, a Gyros sandwich for Ethan and Pete’s Grecian Platter for Davie, which is piled high with lamb, chicken, and beef in the middle of the platter, topped with red and white onions, a generous portion of French fries on one side, and steamed broccoli, carrots, and cauliflower on the other, along with a side plate of pita bread.  “That’s a lot on your plate, David.” 

            “Loaded up, like my life.”  Davie laughs.  “How am I going to eat all of this?” 

            “One bite at a time.  And don’t eat it all now.  Carry some of it away with you.” Wasting no time, Ethan asks which entrée of life his friend might want to discuss first: his marriage with Pam, ministry, church, friendship with Jasmine, or Jasmine herself. 

            “Also a lot on my plate!” Davie chuckles.  “How about all of it?  Maybe Jasmine?  I can’t get her out of my mind, nor can I stop worrying about her.  But I also worry about my job, my ministry and my church that feels like it’s heading off course.  They want to grow, but they’re kicking people out?” 

            “Welcome to the world of church politics, David.  How about your marriage?  Are you thinking about it too?”

            “Of course.  I love Pam and don’t want to hurt her.” 

            “You’ve just hit on what really matters.” 

            “Yes, I know.”  Davie takes a sip of water, wondering how to transition into what else is bothering him.  He sets the glass back down.  It hits the tabletop with a slight bang.  He looks at it startled.  “Pam wants kids.” 

            “That ups the ante.”  

            Davie takes another sip of water, this time slowly, carefully placing his glass back down.  

          “Children have to be your top priority," Ethan continues.  "Clearly, it would have been better if you had seriously asked this question before saying, ‘I do,’ but it’s also better to do so now than once kids are in the picture.  Are you prepared to commit for the long haul?” 

            Davie confides that he is not sure and adds that he has never admitted to Pam that he regrets letting Pam pursue him back in college, when his eyes were on Jenny, a mutual friend of theirs, with whom neither is still in contact.  He clarifies that his mind no longer returns much to Jenny, but his regret clouds his commitment to Pam.  “I took the easy road to romance, and now I have a hard road.” 

“You do, because you said, ‘I do.’” 

The “if onlies” are plaguing the youth pastor.  If only he had taken the risk to date Jenny before he let Pam pursue him, or if only he could risk dating Jasmine now, then he might move from the safety of Pam to the vibrancy, then, of Jenny, and now, of Jasmine. 

“Would you say you’re drawn to Jasmine more because of your love for Jasmine, or for what might be missing with Pam?” 

That’s a question Davie’s been asking much of himself.  He acknowledges that Pam brings him comfort, security, laughs, and some fun times.  “But Jasmine is spirited, smart, digs deep into stuff that matters that most people won’t touch; she’s not pushy, demanding or dull.  No matter what the elders think, Ethan, she’s not on my mind just because I find her physically attractive – which I do – but also because I love who she is.” 

            “And the elders want you to put her out of your mind and heart?” 

            “Right, and I can’t do it.” 

            “We humans should not be repressing what’s in our hearts.  Although we need to be careful with how we respond to our feelings, our feelings themselves are not wrong.  Christians don’t get this, so they try to train anger, fear, shame, jealousy, and lust out of their hearts.  They even try to train love out of their hearts, making them physically sick, perhaps even preparing for a premature death.” 

“Wow.  Then it’s ok for me to love Jasmine?” 

            “Sure.  Suffocate your heart, and you’ll make yourself sick.  Condemn your heart, and it will turn against you.”  From his pastoral days, Ethan has learned that those who insist on their religion’s dogmas of morality will follow one of two paths, both rooted in repression.  The first route leads to indulgence and the second to sickness. 

            For an example of the first, he points to the Catholic priest pedophiles.  Condemning themselves for their sexual desires, they forced themselves into fake asceticism and repressed their sexuality so much that they didn’t stop at rape with adult women.  They went after children.  They repressed hard and fell hard. 

Meanwhile, Ethan explains, the continued repression route desensitizes you, reduces your compassion, possibly increases your tendency to judge, stunts your growth, and welcomes miseries into your body. 

 “So what should we do instead?” 

“Let yourself feel what you feel, and ask the Holy Spirit to give you strength and show you your path.  Don’t assume that what you feel for Jasmine means that you are supposed to be with her.  But don’t restrict yourself from that possibility either, especially now.”  Ethan pauses to smile at his former intern.  Before you have kids.” 

Davie nods, sighs, and says he’s conflicted.  

Affirming that David would naturally be conflicted, Ethan shares another insight from his work in pastoral marriage counseling.  “We shouldn’t say half of all marriages ‘fail.’  Maybe half of them ‘end,’ but not all of them ‘failed.’  Some of them ‘succeeded.’”  

            In response to David’s quizzical look, Ethan tells the story of the couple who taught him this.  They led Bible studies together, grew those studies, and even trained the new leaders of their off-shoot groups, so Ethan was stunned when they came to him for marriage counseling.  They had accomplished so much, were expecting their first grandchild, and needed marriage counseling?  One of them was growing in new ways and contemplating a conversion to Catholicism, something the other partner could not imagine doing.  After months of counseling, it appeared both partners had begun different paths, both right for each of them, but not complementary together.  Eventually, they came to the sentiment that they could grow better apart, and then Ethan helped them with their next task: communicating this to their children, including to their youngest in college and their oldest, who was pregnant.  The couple divorced, but remained friends. 

“Success, of course, comes through plenty of time learning how to love and communicate, which this couple did,” Ethan continues.  “But it was helping couples like this that got me into trouble.  We know what Jesus told the selfish, proud, cold-hearted Pharisees of the first century about divorce.  But we don’t know what Jesus would tell each of us in the 21st.” 

            “I bet people try to tell you Jesus’ words are timeless.” 

            “Even Jesus considered his teachings for the ‘Age;’ Matthew said he spoke to the people in parables and reserved his deepest teachings for his closest disciples; and he spoke sternly to one group only: the proud religious leaders.” 

            “I agree, but it does complicate our life decisions, doesn’t it?  When we’re conflicted between the many entrées on our life plate, what do we do?” 

            “The million-dollar question.  There is no easy answer.  First, allow the conflict within you. Don't deny it, but learn from it, as it may be like the pearl in an oyster that shows you something remarkable about your true self.” 

            A pearl.  Davie likes the image: the pearl emerges out of the oyster’s suffering.  Perhaps he shouldn’t feel so guilty or so much angst that he has this conflict within him. 

            “Be patient, as clarity takes time to come,” Ethan continues.  “For now, listen to your heart and let it teach you: what are you discovering about yourself through your inner conflict?” 

            “How can I figure that out?” 

“Allow the Holy Spirit to show you within your heart, and then confirm it with the signs, the synchronicities, and the forms of Nature.  I believe this is what Jesus meant when he said, ‘I only do what I see My Father in Heaven doing.’” 

            “You make it sound so easy!” 

            “Sorry, it isn’t, and it takes much patience.  If you are patient, the Spirit will confirm or deny your inner truth, or perhaps grant more patience into you with a promise your inner conflict will be revealed in its proper time.  It’s not at all easy, David.  Those who learn to clearly discern the signs the Spirit gives them usually go through a crisis first.  This could be yours.” 

            Taking a deep breath, the youth pastor agrees to try.  Then he returns to where he and Ethan started on his loaded plate of life.  “What about finding a way to see Jasmine again?” 

            “Try to do the same.  Watch the signs and the synchronicities.  Trust the Spirit to guide you, and when the time is right, a renewed connection with her will become clear to you.”

© 2021 by Karina.  All rights reserved.  Please use only with permission and/or a link to this blog.

Continue to Life Giver, Life Saver, Life Force 

Continue to Davie's 3rd conversation with Ethan

Return to Davie's 1st conversation with Ethan 

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